February 2009; Clouds everywhere.

This is an important month Finn. It's Valentines Day and it's your mum's birthday too. These are important dates, not to forget dates, life or death dates.

You'll get to know don't worry. You seemed to understand fully the imprtance of sharing your mums presents anyway, good start.

Beccie's Birthday.

With alot of help from Kleo, we managed to organise a surprise birthday party for Beccie at Fez Lounge. It was a great night and I think

Beccie liked it. normally she says she hates her birthdays. I think she just needs to let go more.

Collapsed ceiling at Tazi.

With the incessant rain, this has also been a difficult month at Tazi. I'd wondered and wondered how long the house could hold out under the strain of a creeking, not quite finished plumbing system as well as the several holes and as yet unfinished pieces of work that are all being attacked by this never ending down pour.

Then, suddenly, but almost expectedly, we had a collapse. The balcony on the first floor above the fountain simply gave way. Disintegrated. Fell down.

Thank god there was noone on it, it's certainly been used well enough, but we were lucky. It was only things that were damaged and not people. But this worries me. We have damp leeking in all over the place and untill this rain stops we are unable to do anything significant about it.

We've had another plumber do some work, but it's bitty. We can't seem to get anyone to take on the job, the end of the job. We try to explain that we are trying to buy the neighbours, that there will be lots of work when that happens. That we're thinking of plunge pools and water harvesting systems.

But Tazi, as it stands is an almost finished job that has problems. We're begining to think about doing it ourselves, or at least Beccie is. She's much braver than I am in these cases. But this infernal rain, it just won't stop. I've never known anything like it. Day upon day, week upon week, and now month upon infernal month. Give us a fucking break!

But the collapse of this balcony is such a shame. Beautiful painted wood. Old wood, you could call it a piece of art, destroyed. Malesh? Maybe.

Top shaft side bathroom..ready?

On a more positive side, we are at least seeing some work completed in the bedrooms. Bathrooms have been completed, at least in terms of the masonry and we will soon be ready for hirsching. But this wet is wearing us down. I feel it, Beccie feels it. Everyone is just hunkering down waiting. Waiting for it to end.

But when will that be, I've almost given up asking. The thing is it's an El Nina year. This means we should all expect variable weather systems. It means that you can't really know what will happen. But it's worse than that.

I remember the last several years now in the UK. The rains, the floods. I really do believe this is the begining of Global warming, a catastrophy that we are generally failing to understand, to admit to. It's too big for us to comprehend and thus those with any sort of power are trying to play politics.

But this is an emergency. I've been in emergencies and they need action. We need leadership. Little else matters. But of course we are consumed by "the economic collapse". This is only an indicator. Capitalism is collapsing and whilst we talk about how to resuscitate it, to patch it up, the fires are burning. We are missing the point. Missing an opportunity to agree to change the system, to give ourselves...you, a chance.

But it's old men who are making these decisions. They will not face the disasters awaiting your generation and I can only appologise that we didn't do more when we had some time and far more knowledge than we admit to. Instead we debate. Debate how to maintain this system that has caused so much pain already and will cause untold pain in the future. Your future. I am sorry.

813.
The new top terrace, kitchen and door way..yipee!

At 813 we've now finished the external gratting and have, of course now completed the building of the top kitchen area, door to the new terrace etc. It's lovely up there. It's great now to be able to walk up the stairs and on to that top terrace. The views are amazing and if you go that step further, on to the small terrace over the kitchen, there's a 360 view of Fez.

Internally we've finished the design for the fountain and we've been busy with getting wood to relay the floors in the top kitchen as well as the roof. For a moment there we had the hosue looking amazing, clean and ordered. there's so much mess and chaos in a chantier, but there are moments of calm, of order, when a stage has finished, when it looks as if it would be great to just stop there.

But it's just a stage and needs to be completed, moved on from, so that we can finish the final project. When will that be,don't ask me!
Sewage.
In the middle of this calm however, we've also been doing some major work on our sewers. We need to link up our house sewer to the main drains. They've been blocked by a neighbour and this has caused all sorts of problems both for us and other neighbours. The problem is that I'm not sure where to send them.

Either we try to negotiate with four or five neighbours in our quartier, or we seruptitiously, send them through the drains of a French woman called Slonge, who neighbours us. She had her house developed by Abdu, a nice enough guy, but a real wheeler dealer. And to be honest the work in her house is shit.

Welcome to 813...the entrance to chez nous!

I'm loathed to send anything through there as I feel so unsure of the work that's been done. abdu is fine to let me work there and to keep mum to her. I'll have to decide and look at other options.

Big Black Clouds.

This has also been a difficult month for another reason Finn. Around xmas we found out that your mum was pregnant. We were so excited. It's difficult because there are so many variables, anything can go wrong. When I saw you born, I realised what was meant by "the miracle of life", but now I appreciate it more.

We tried not to get too excited about it. So many things can go wrong and there's the 3 month watershed. We tried to wait for that, to restrain ourselves. But we, I, couldn't. I really wanted this baby, I wanted your brother or sister and it felt so right.

Then at the end of jan the Red Cross called me to say that I might be going to Zimbabwe for the Cholera outbreak. With your mum pregnant I really couldn't. God I wanted to...you know I miss it, and Zim is a great country. But there was too much risk, so I told them I couldn't. They were good about it. Family comes first. Great.

I felt better being here, just in case.

We planned for beccie to go home towards the end of the month as this would mean that she could have all the tests she needed there. It seemed perfectly timed. So exciting. And then, two days before she was to go home, beccie had a spot of blood. I'd been telling her to take it easy, but you know your mum. No chance. Was it that, was it something else. Does it matter now? No, not really.

So we went to the doctor, who's been fantastic. She checked Beccie and then asked her to go in for a scan. Whilst beccie was out of the room, she told me it was bad news. There was no heart beat, there hadn't been any growth. It looked bad.

My knees went weak. I heard her and knew what she was saying. It was as if I let it happen in slow motion, to give myself a chance to accept it, to be better prepared when beccie found out, in a while, after the scan.

And then she told us and like a shiver through my body, my heart, it sank in.

Oh it was bad Finn. Bad for me, worse for your mum, but bad, bad, bad. we'd let ourselves hope, expect, too early. We hugged, held each other, went through I'm not sure what with the doctor, I really don't remember and went back to the flat where Beccie went to bed and I went in to the kitchen.

Fatima was there. She knew of the baby and saw we were both distressed. She came in to the kitchen and for the only time since I have known her, I had to ask her to leave, to leave me alone. And I cried, cried and cried, until it was time to come out and hold you. You who I now cherished even more, and who I now saw, what a mirical you were.

The next day we went to the hospital where beccie had an ECT. There are parts of that, that I simply can't talk about, but these were black days.

The following day your mum and you went back to the UK. To rest, to heal, to be in the bossom of your family.